The Connection Men So Much Miss

2011-05-23T14:42:00.000-07:00

When I explain to people what coaching is about, the reaction: "They pay you to talk to them? Are they mad?" is one I often hear, and it points to something at the heart of why I do what I do. We live in an increasingly rational culture that believes that there is a solution to every problem. Go to any bookshop or look on the internet and you'll find advice on how to deal with any problem you can and can't imagine. And yet, despite the mass availability of advice, information, workshops on how to solve any problem, make money, manage time, maintain relationships, live better, etc., we're still seeking something.

I often ask: If self-help books work, how come we need more? It's not that the information or workshops out there are bad, but it seems there is something missing. Something that people will pay for and which they value.

That something is listening. Sounds simple, but it appears as if the more solutions there are out there, the harder it is to simply be listened to. When we talk to others about our challenges, we often get advice: "read this book", "do this course.", "just deal with it", "get over it." We get "fixed" or told what to do, but we don't get listened to. We don't get seen; we don't get witnessed; we don't get that connection. We get information and advice instead.

Those of you who have dogs will know that, if you throw a stick for a dog, the dog will run after the stick, bring it back to you, and drop it at your feet for you to throw it again. The dog doesn't simply want the stick; it wants the connection, the relationship. Information and advice are like the stick. It's not that we don't need advice or solutions to our problems. But often in addition to, and sometimes even instead of, advice or solutions, what's needed is simple listening.

People who have taken coaching often say that in coaching they have been able to speak about things never spoken about before, and that the simple act of being able to speak was sufficient. One of the main benefits of coaching is the connection between the coach and the client; the connection between them is the healing, not the content.

The human soul longs to express itself and be heard or seen. It doesn't need to be fixed or told what to do next or given a solution. It simply longs to be witnessed.

This need has been around since ancient times. Joseph Campbell talked about "sacred space" where people would gather to speak of their important matters, and where the act of speaking would in itself be transformative. I think it's that space that people are seeking - the space where they can hear themselves and be witnessed. And, for that, I don't think they are mad to pay.

How do you listen to others?
How easy is it for you to simply be there and listen?
How quickly do you go to giving solutions and advice?
And where do you go to get listened to?

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The Connection Men So Much Miss